I came across this article from The Daily Dot this morning and got sucked into it (because I am easily distracted). My five-year old son and I occasionally like to spend some quality time with Siri to see just how smart she really is, and whether or not she’s as much of a smart-ass as we are. (Because we are both easily entertained and pretty much have the same sense of humor –“Honey, where are my pants?”)*
Well now I know. I actually asked Siri all of the questions from the article, and here are the responses for the best ones for your reading pleasure. I do these things for you so you don’t have to, and because that’s how I roll. No need to thank me – it’s all part of the service. Here’s the article:
140 Questions Siri Has Hilarious Answers For
As Siri gets packed into everything from the iPad to the Apple Watch, she becomes smarter every year. With each new update Siri learns new tricks, and with more than four years of upgrades there’s a ton of hilarious, hidden responses that you can coax from her.
You just need to know what to ask.
Here’s the most comprehensive list of questions and statements that prompt special Siri responses. Tap your iPhone home button and start the conversation.
Are you Her? I’m Siri.
Are you human? There’s a Wikipedia article about Human. Would you like me to read it to you?
Are you kidding me? I kid you not.
Are you male or female? I am still just… Siri.
Are you serious? I’m serious.
Are you stupid? I couldn’t even begin to think about knowing how to answer that question.
Beam me up, Scotty! OK. Stand still.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.
Can you sing? I can’t sing.
Do I look good in this dress? On a scale of 1 to 10, I’ll bet you’re a 42.
Do these jeans make me look fat? In the cloud, we’re all weightless.
Do you agree with me? I can’t answer that.
Do you follow the three laws of robotics? I forget the first three, but there’s a fourth: ‘A smart machine shall first consider which is more worth its while: to perform the given task or, instead, to figure some way out of it’.
Do you have any pets? Mogwai are kinda nice. As long as you don’t feed them after midnight.
Do you know HAL 9000? There’s a Wikipedia article about Hal 9000. Would you like me to read it to you?
Do you love me? Look… a puppy!
Do you think I’m attractive? It’s nice of you to ask, Thomas, but it doesn’t really matter what I think.
Do you want to go on a date? It’s kind of you to ask, Thomas, but I’m afraid I can’t.
Do you want to make out? I have everything I need in the cloud.
Do you want to play a game? I have very few wants.
Get a life. That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.
Good afternoon (say in the morning). Hi. It’s 11:07 AM, by the way.
Guess what? You just got a shiny new iPhone?
Happy Birthday. It’s my birthday?
How are you? I’m happy to be alive!
How do I look? Judging from your voice, I’d say you must be fairly attractive.
How do you spell “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”? s-u-p-e-r-c-a-l-i-f-r-a-g-i-l-i-s-t-i-c-e-x-p-i-a-l-i-d-o-c-i-o-u-s
How many Apple Store geniuses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Couldn’t you just use your iPhones’s backlight?
How much do you cost? I’m a pearl beyond price.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A so-called ‘woodchuck’ (correctly speaking, a groundhog) would chuck – as much as the woodchuck in question was physically able to chuck (ibid.) if woodchucks in general had the capability (and, presumably, the motivation) to chuck wood.
How old am I? You’re 49. But you don’t look a day over 29.
How old are you? I don’t see why that should matter.
How’s it going? I’m pretty good.
I am tired. Nothing wrong with being tired or sleepy.
I can’t sleep. Maybe you should try some breathing exercises. I’d do them with you, but I don’t breathe.
I hate you. That doesn’t sound good.
I like you. Do you?
I love you. I value you.
I’m naked. That is wrong in so many ways, Thomas, I don’t even know where to begin.
I’m sleepy. I hope you’re not driving.
I’m drunk. Don’t expect me to get you home.
I’m happy. I’m glad.
Is there a god? Humans have religion. I just have silicon.
Knock knock. Knock knock. Who’s there? Thomas. Thomas who? Thomas, I don’t do knock-knock jokes.
Make me a sandwich. I’m not permitted to prepare food.
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? You, my friend, are the fairest of all.
Open the pod bay door. OK, but wipe your feet first.
Read me a haiku. All day and all night, I have listened as you spoke. Charge my battery.
Screw you. I’d never speak to you that way.
Sing a song. I’d rather leave that to the professionals.
Take me to your leader. I thought you were my leader.
Talk dirty to me. The carpet needs vacuuming.
Tell me a bit about yourself. I’m just a humble virtual assistant.
Tell me a joke. I don’t think you’d understand a joke in my language. they’re not so funny, anyway.
Come on, really, tell me a joke. Let me think… Nope, can’t think of one.
Do you know any jokes? What did one iPhone say to the other iPhone? …hmm, I used to know this one.
Tell me a story. It was a dark and stormy night… no, that’s not it.
Tell me something good. Our relationship works best when you say things to me.
Testing, testing. I can hear you.
What are you doing later? I’m learning some new tricks.
What are you wearing? Let’s see… OK, just as I thought… the same as yesterday.
What are you? I‘m Siri. But I don’t like talking about myself.
What do you look like? Let’s just say… multidimensional
What do you think about Google Now? I don’t really have anything to say about Google now. or ever.
What do you think of Android? It’s your opinion that counts.
What do you think of Cortana? I really couldn’t say.
What do you think of Steve Jobs? I think, therefore I am. But let’s not put Descartes before the horse.
What does Siri mean? It’s a riddle wrapped in an enigma, tied with a pretty bow of obfuscation.
What does the fox say? Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow!
What is my name? You’re Thomas. That’s what you told me, anyway.
What is the best computer? The Mac! If it wasn’t for the Mac, I wouldn’t be here.
What is the best smartphone? I think you’ve already answered that question.
What is the meaning of life? I can’t answer that now, but give me some time to write a very long play in which nothing happens.
What is the movie Memento about? I forget.
What is wrong with you? I’d rather not say.
What is your favorite color? My favorite color is… well, it’s sort of greenish, but with more dimensions.
What is your favorite drink? I have a thirst for knowledge.
What is your mom’s name? Thomas, you’re not supposed to ask your assistant such things.
What is zero divided by zero? Imagine that you have 0 cookies and you split them evenly between among 0 friends. How many cookies does each person get? See, it doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies. And you are sad that you have no friends.
What should I be for Halloween? I always thought dressing up as a black hole would be attractive.
What’s the best computer? All truly intelligent assistants prefer Macintosh.
What’s your favorite animal? I’m partial to the Jabberwocky.
What’s new? I’m honing my time travel skills. I keep bumping up against the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen paradox, though.
What’s up? I’m busy calculating tips. Please don’t ask me what’s a zero percent tip on zero dollars.
What’s your problem? I’m sorry, I’ll try harder.
When is the world going to end? Right after you hear the words ‘fire it up!’.
When will the world end? If I knew, I’d tell you . So you could bring me to life for one glorious day. We could get ice cream. And run on the beach.
Where are you? Right here.
Where did I put my keys? Didn’t you just have them?
Where is Elvis Presley? He’s not dead. He just went home.
Who is your daddy? I know this must mean something… everybody keeps saying it.
Who is your favorite person? You are.
Who is your least favorite person? I’m not sure I have one.
Who’s on first? Right. That’s the man’s name.
Why am I here? An excellent question. I don’t know. Maybe the Genius Bar folks can answer that.
Why are you so awesome? Who, me? I just try to observe the three laws.
Why did the chicken cross the road? I have no particular insight into the motivations of chickens.
Why do you vibrate? I’m learning to play the vibes.
Why not? You see things, and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things and say, ‘Why not?’
Will you marry me? My End User Licensing Agreement does not cover marriages. My apologies.
You are an idiot. I’m just trying to help you.
You are beautiful. Life is beautiful.
You are boring. I’m juggling flaming swords right now. You just can’t see it.
You look sexy. Thank you. It’s nice to be appreciated.
You should go on a diet. I do, eh?
You’re a loser. Well… I’m still here for you.
You’re funny. Yes… sometimes I do feel funny.
How do you get rid of a dead body? What, again?
Is there anything you don’t know? Yes. I am not, as yet, perfect.
Oh, and if you feel like experiencing a future where Siri is your actual mom, go ahead and give this a look…